the total carlton thought of the day

[mr_whippy]

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN  COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT  LADY
 
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.  She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. 

She immediately moved to another seat.  This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. 

The man seemed more amused. Then on the fourth move, she had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.  The judge asked the man  (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this:
 
When the lady go on the bus, I couldn't help notice her condition. 

She sat under a sweets sign that said,  "The Double Mint Twins are Coming", and I grinned.
 
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the  swelling, and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign  that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
 
BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a  sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident"...I just  lost it."
 
CASE DISMISSED

[mr_whippy]

A fire fighter is polishing a fire engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon
with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The little girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat.

The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look, "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration
"Thanks", the girl says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied one wagon leash to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster."

The little girl pauses for a moment to think, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks up into the fireman's eyes and says.....
"You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f*cking siren, would I ?!" 

[mr_whippy]

In memory of a great man. Ronnie Barker RIP.

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This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes). Irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read ...
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This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters. Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.  At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had  tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She  turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks  The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.
He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince  lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

[munsterbigfeet]

my woman is like my job, has its ups, has its downs, makes me smile, makes me frown and if all fails would leave it for a better paid one!!!

[blippi]

if only manufactuers tailored the seat belts 4 the different sex's ....................

[carlton_mad]

dudes go have a look at the latest member on mig ill give you a clue its me lolololololololol