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Total Carlton > Carlton Community > Random Rubbish > Joke thread
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melinx
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WHO created me in his own image ?
« Reply #225 on: January 24, 2012, 09:25:31 AM »
The saying "You are what you eat" is quite untrue.

I've never eaten even the smallest portion of a miserable old bastard. Cheesy
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melinx
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« Reply #226 on: January 28, 2012, 04:11:14 PM »
It is said that New Yorkers are notoriously rude Sad It may well be true because an English tourist was heard asking a one "I wonder if you would be so kind as to give me directions to Times Square ? or should I just go f**k myself again" Shocked
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melinx
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« Reply #227 on: February 01, 2012, 10:00:52 AM »
"If you have lost something, it's always in the last place you look" Roll Eyes

Well, of course it is; you're not going to keep looking once you've found it Huh
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kevinfourlegs
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« Reply #228 on: February 02, 2012, 12:12:39 PM »
Two bananas sat on a river bank when a turd floats by and says "come on in, the water's lovely."

One banana turns to the other and says "do you believe that shit?"







Saw two crisps at the side of the road and I asked if they wanted a lift. One says "no thanks, we're walkers."
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melinx
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« Reply #229 on: February 09, 2012, 04:47:34 PM »
A small boy asks his grandfather 'Granddad, can you croak like a frog please' ?

'I don't think that I can son' he replied 'Why do you want me to'.

The boy replied, 'Well, I heard daddy tell mummy that we can all afford to go to Disneyland when you croak'.
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Pedro
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« Reply #230 on: February 09, 2012, 10:55:29 PM »
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Do you know what "Nemesis" means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an 'orrible c*nt... me.
Pedro
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« Reply #231 on: February 09, 2012, 10:58:35 PM »
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Do you know what "Nemesis" means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an 'orrible c*nt... me.
Pedro
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« Reply #232 on: February 09, 2012, 10:59:40 PM »
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Do you know what "Nemesis" means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an 'orrible c*nt... me.
kevinfourlegs
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« Reply #233 on: February 10, 2012, 09:51:34 AM »
Being in Yorkshire I would have thought the shadowy place was t'other side o' Pennines  Grin

Beautiful place is Yorkshire
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copper
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« Reply #234 on: February 11, 2012, 07:39:01 PM »
my yuongest brother asked me where the clitoris was'front or back?so i explained that as far as i knew it was in the frontal area.he looked disappointed'so i asked him why.he said "i think i've beensucking my girlfriends haemorrhoids for weeks".
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kevinfourlegs
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« Reply #235 on: February 11, 2012, 07:43:38 PM »
I like that one Sue  Cheesy Cheesy
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kevinfourlegs
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« Reply #236 on: February 11, 2012, 08:15:36 PM »
What's the definition of gross?


Love bites on your haemorrhoids.

+++++++

A girl says "mam, can I have a straw?"

"why do you want a straw?" asks the mother

The girl replies "grandad's been sick and my brother has picked all the lumps out."
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copper
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« Reply #237 on: February 11, 2012, 09:09:53 PM »
little johney jumps on a bus and sits immediatly behind the driver.johnny starts chanting at the top of his voice"if my mammy was a cow and my daddy was a bull then i'd b a calf ....if my mammy was a ewe and my daddy was a ram then i'd b a lamb... if my mammy was a mare and my daddy was a stallion then i'd b a foal...if my mammy was a sow and my daddy was a boar then i'd b a piglet..."the bus driver was getting fed up and said to johnny and if ya mammy was a prostitute and ya daddy was a wanker what would ya b " johnny replied without a blink "then i'd b a bloody bus driver".
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melinx
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« Reply #238 on: February 14, 2012, 10:14:58 AM »
Posted before, but deserves to be in this thread Cheesy

Supposedly Genuine Statements From Insurance Accident Forms.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it.

I collided with a stationery truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through the windshield into my wife’s face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother in law and headed over the embankment.

In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home; as I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat found I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

I saw a slow moving sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road, I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching; I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

After the accident, the pedestrian admitted it was his fault because he had been run over before.
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kevinfourlegs
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« Reply #239 on: February 14, 2012, 11:29:07 AM »
I wouldn't be surprised if the above statements were true
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melinx
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« Reply #240 on: February 16, 2012, 10:55:24 PM »
The Germans still don't understand that their efforts to unite Europe are never appreciated Grin Grin

http://www.bpb.de/fsd/europapuzzle/puzzle_flash1.html
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melinx
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« Reply #241 on: February 25, 2012, 04:12:20 PM »
I reckon that my health problems have all been caused by children Roll Eyes

Every box of prescription pills I've got has a prominent warning on it "KEEP OUT OF THE SIGHT AND REACH OF CHILDREN" Shocked

Obviously, the warning is there to stop them from causing me any further harm !
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greasehog
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« Reply #242 on: February 26, 2012, 08:29:32 PM »
I've got something to tell you and it's really hard to say.......






Ken dod's dad's dogs dead
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Diane...
kevinfourlegs
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« Reply #243 on: February 26, 2012, 08:31:43 PM »
Didn't know his dad had a dog
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greasehog
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« Reply #244 on: February 26, 2012, 08:53:44 PM »
He hasn't






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Diane...
carlton_mad
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« Reply #245 on: February 26, 2012, 08:55:41 PM »
it died!
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what would life be like if we all drove fwd cars? feckin boring that's what rear drive or bust
kevinfourlegs
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« Reply #246 on: February 26, 2012, 09:19:18 PM »
If he hasn't, why did you say he had  Grin
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Johnny A
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« Reply #247 on: February 26, 2012, 10:35:11 PM »
I'm not saying your sister is a slag, but even her underwear has 'next' written on it
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kevinfourlegs
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« Reply #248 on: February 27, 2012, 07:08:45 AM »
I thought she had them from 'gap'
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greasehog
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« Reply #249 on: February 27, 2012, 07:55:56 PM »
Quote from: kevinfourlegs on February 26, 2012, 09:19:18 PM
If he hasn't, why did you say he had  Grin
Lol.. He did then it died now he don't
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Diane...
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