Joke thread

[Tetleysmooth]

Two liars in a pub, one says to the other, " D'you know, I went over Niagra falls in a barrell''. The other one replies, "I know, I saw you''.
Told to me by a fellow driver at work, had me chuckling all night.
Anyone else got any decent jokes?

[GSI24VBONES]

In honour of the newly announced gay marriages, IKEA are now selling lesbian beds....theres no screwing involved, its just tongue and groove

[GSI24VBONES]

Police have arrested Elton John for public indecency.
Apparently he got confused wen asked by the vicar to place his ring on Davids finger!!

[GSI24VBONES]

What is 40 feet long and smells like urine?

Line dancing at the nursing home.

[chrismec]

Elton John said, the wedding went well but the ring was a bit tight.

[carlton_mad]

they are apparently banning christmas decorations in thailand this year ...................................... they are just going to hang glitter

[chrismec]

an Irish woman was admitted to hospital today after having phone sex.
Doctors managed to remove 2Nokias 3 Motorolas and 1 Samsung but no Siemen was found!!!

[Murph]

These are just my sense of humour.......

Something to cheer you up on a Tuesday...

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........
 You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message -
 "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
 The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day
 But I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
 He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
 A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
 "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
 The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have
your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
 with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
 Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
 "That soundslike Tom Jones syndrome.
 'Is it common?'
 "It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed,is there
 anything you can do for him?"
 "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him"
 So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his
 Teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
 "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
 "No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
backside."
 "How's that?"
 "Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
 Give me a lift?"
 I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
 There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's
 Either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
 But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
 The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
 the other was eating fireworks.
 They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
 They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'
 So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
 Several places"
 The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

And finally - this one's my fave!!!

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
 Small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
 Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
 Expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

[chrismec]

Lmao well done that man

[Murph]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise."
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ah.! . so solly," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck!"

[chrismec]

LOL Murph

[Murph]

Eight Words with two Meanings


1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

[Murph]

Some good one liners.....
 
 
 I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
 
 Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
 
 It's not who you know, it's whom you know.
 
 There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting
 Idiot".
 
 A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.
 
 Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.
 
 I had amnesia once - maybe twice.
 
 How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
 
 Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
 
 Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the
 sun.
 
 Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.
 
 Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back
 in.
 
 In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says
 after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 Most nudists are people you don't want to see naked.
 
 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
 others here for?
 
 I like my men like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer.
 
 A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
 
 When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
 
 Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
 
 Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
 
 All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though.
 
 If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
 
 Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
 
 Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
 
 Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician.
 
 Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
 
 If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
 
 For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
 
 No one is listening until you make a mistake.
 
 The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the
 bread.
 
 A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 
 Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
 
 Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
 
 Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
 
 If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
 
 "I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could
 it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence?
 
 If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
 
 I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section
 was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
 
 If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman
 around to hear him, is he still wrong?
 
 Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
 
 What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
 plant?
 
 Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
 
 Forgive and forget, but keep a list of names just in case.
 
 I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
 
 I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
 
 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
 
 Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
 
 It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
 
 A closed mouth gathers no foot.
 
 Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible.
 
 My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat!
 
 Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
 
 Hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off now.
 
 When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails.
 
 I'd like to have more self-esteem, but I don't deserve it.
 
 Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
 
 If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
 
 Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
 
 I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

 Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
 
 The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
 
 If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
 
 I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
 
 I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
 
 Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
 
 A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.
 
 As I said before, I never repeat myself.
 
 As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.
 
 Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing

[chrismec]

How long did that take you Murph lol
To add to that :-
Do blind people turn on the lights at night?
Do deaf people turn the sound up on the telly?
Used to be indecisive, now i'm not so sure.

[Murph]

How long did that take you Murph lol

Shameless rip off from another forum so not long! 

[chrismec]

How long did that take you Murph lol

Shameless rip off from another forum so not long! 

LOL

[Murph]

This ones a little rude but what the hell....









A German guy approaches a prostitute and says " I vish to buy sex vit you"
"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 dollars an hour"

" Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky" "No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky"
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller "I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs."

The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.
"Now you vill get on your hans and knees." She duly does this, balancing on the springs

"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you." She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.

The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.

The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath.

Finally she gasps "That was totally amazing....... what do you call that?"

"Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique"

[Pedro]

I used to be into necrophilia, flagellation and bestiality, but I was flogging a dead horse...........

[Scatmancraig]

Horse walks into a bar.  Barman says "what's with the long face"??

[monzaiain]

Duck walks into a pub and asks for a pie an a pint....

barman says jeezo thanks amazing..a talking duck!!!

aye aye says the duck...whatever,im working on the building site up the road

every day that week the duck comes in for a pie an a pint

on friday a guy comes in an explains hes from the circus and they have set up for a week in the local park...
barman says..ive the very thing for you...

everyday this week a duck has walked in here and asked for a pie an a pint...

Great a talking duck says the circus guy...next time he comes in give him my card...i could use him in my show....

sure enough on the monday in walks the duck....

barman says there's a circus in town and they want to speak to you....you have to go see them about going up to the circus.....

duck says............wait for it......









what the f*ck does the circus want a plasterer for??


    i'll get me coat........

[monzaiain]

What do donkey's get for their dinner at Blackpool ??











Half an hour !!!!!    hey hey!!

[Pedro]

(Obviously written by a woman)

The Silent Treatment



A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each

other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,

he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM

and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and

see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by

the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.



WIFE VS. HUSBAND



A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws





WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."





UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.





W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"





CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!





WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible

that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament

and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

[chrismec]

LMAO

[defold-git]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxQPbLIsmh4

[defold-git]

A cigarette shortens your life by 2 min...
A beer shortens your life by 4 min...
A working day shortens your life by 8 hours!!!!